Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
bring money and cleavage
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
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