Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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