He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Randomize
