there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
