Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
