I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
