Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
the more pounds shes got the more points. bonus points awarded for specialty moves used. aka broken cowboy, tobogan, dutch oven, or brazilian fake out.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
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