She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Randomize
