wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
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