i think my tv is drunk
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
