Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
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