I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
