yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Randomize
