i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
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