Nicole vs. Life
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
