The two bassists just totally made out. I NEED MENNA'S RIGHT now.
oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
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