I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Less talking, more tequila
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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