two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
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