Yo dont text me then not text me
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Randomize
