Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
