Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
Randomize
