Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
