im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
