Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
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