This house was built for laser tag.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Randomize
