Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize