How'd it feel making her break her religion?
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
did i walk over a car last night?
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
