life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
