This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
