i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Randomize
