Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
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