I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
