The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
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