My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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