i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
