My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
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He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
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WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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