it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Randomize
