Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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