that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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