Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
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