Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
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the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
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Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
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