it wasn't lemon gatorade
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
