You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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