whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Randomize
