yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
