i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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