my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
Randomize
