Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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