I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
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