im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
