I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
Randomize
