I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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