hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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