don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
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P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
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17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
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