I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
