I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
God, I missed his penis.
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