I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
