I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
The police scanner is talking about you again....
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize