sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
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