Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
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